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too deep for the intro:
(that one compulsive thought i’ve had in my mind all week that’s never short and sweet…)
While some girlies are in their villain era and others are basking in their soft life — we love that for them! — I’m fully and proudly in my wolf era. And, FWIW, have been for some time. Wolves are sharply instinctual and loyal, have the most finely tuned intuition, and fiercely love and protect their pack.
If you’re in my life in any real way, I’ve talked your head off about Clarissa Pinkola Estés’ book, Women Who Run with the Wolves. When I first picked it up around 2015/2016, I carried it around like a freakin’ bible, to which I could refer when I needed more understanding around surrendering to the universe, intuition, and community. Throughout the years, every so often, my learnings from the stories in the book come in handy when I’m trying to make some sense of some wild-ass emotion, and last week was no different.
As you noticed, no newsletter came out because ya girl was in the emotional trenches for a few days. I wasn’t sad as much as I was contemplative and struggling to discern between my intuition and my anxiety when it comes to dating. I’ve had enough WTF situations with men — platonic and romantic — in the last two years to help sharpen my instincts. But life is about how you handle the curveballs, and this new guy, for reasons I refuse to name here, tripped me up like crazy.
I bumped into my new friend a few months back, and even the term “friend” feels ill-fitting here as we’ve just been getting to know each other. At first, we both agreed that, like, hey, this situation is mad casual, no feels, just take it how it comes. Here’s the kicker, though: After a few weeks of consistent calls, FTs, and those types of conversations that help you see a person — I’m talking Kaz and Noni in Beyond The Lights — I naturally started quietly betraying all that “casual” bullshit I was hollering about.
I went from wolf to puppy real quick because although I knew what I signed up for, amid all the intrigue and curiosity and that excitement in getting to know someone new, things were shifting for me. Why do I like him? What do I want from this? Am I just filling a space? Am I too emotionally available? Am I seeking validation for something? If so, why? Then, I had to discern whether my intuition was lowkey telling me to run or whether my thoughts were just in overdrive unnecessarily. I mean, this is supposed to be my “go with the flow” year, right? Not to mention, my ex must’ve smelled my happiness because he returned to my inbox with a very poorly timed “I miss you,” which opened the door to an entirely new set of mini-emotional spirals. Had he changed? Was it worth spinning the block?
In other areas of my life, my intuition is pretty spot on. But in dating? My intuition has a fucking glitch. Still, after tossing the situation around this week or so, I know need to take a giant emotional step back from New Guy — and decide what that looks like — ignore The Ex, and choose myself.
My wolf era can’t allow what’s not aligned with where I’m at to come in and fuck with the program. As much as I confuse the universe by going back and forth on whether I want a man right now or not, this situation made me sure: hell yeah, I want a partner, even if fear tries to derail me from that idea. But New Guy just happens to be a great dude at the wrong time, and I have to respect that we’re not on the same chapter of life. He needs casual, and I want to be intentional and build with someone. We’re old enough to know how trying to trick ourselves into anything outside of that ends. Can we build a friendship? Who knows. What I do know is myself: I’m a certified lover girl who feels things deeply, so IDK… stay tuned, I guess?
Nevertheless, trust me, I’m still open to whatever magic is in store for me this year, and if that’s a healthy, earth-shattering love that adds value to my life and the healing journey I’m already on, then cool. Only when it feels right, though.
never again:
(things i’m letting go of…)
This week’s newsletter is shorter than usual because between work, catching a crazy cold, some drama with my actual mama, and being dick-stracted, I haven’t been able to express myself how I want to. I’m letting go of distractions this week, though. Time to get back focused. Better newsletter next week. Pinky swear.
sound and color:
(the songs playing in my mind this week…)
my obsessions this week:
I forget how I found Destiny Darcel’s art. Maybe on TikTok? I fell in love with her cards first then noticed she makes all types of cool products with original artwork. Her recent drop, the Blackety Black Tee, is fire and right on time for Black History Month.
Between celebrating Black history and Valentine’s Day, I consider February “Love Month.” I also feel we need to be resting and relaxing because our ancestors would love that for us. Thus, Skin. by HC (Holy Chic), is a Black-owned spa and wellness space. If you can’t get to Richmond, VA? They sell the cutest nail polishes and treatments.
I’m not usually into audiobooks, but Dipsea changed that for me last year (IYKYK). Some People Have Real Problems by Brit Bennett and performed by Tessa Thompson was a great listen since its themes overlapped with a lot of things I’ve been wrestling with lately — decisions on life’s paths, courage in moving beyond the past, etc. If you’re into audiobooks, dive in.
the shit that really matters:
(a highlight of important stories, events, and subjects i’ve come across…)